Internet Big Sis. Entry #2

“How do I build self-worth that doesn’t depend on attention?”

Intro.

Hiiii

It’s your INTERNET BIG SIS!!

As the eldest daughter,I’ve always wanted an older sister. Someone to give me advice, listen to my problems, teach me how to wear concealer and just be a girl with me.

Of course, I only want one because I didn’t have one and needed to navigate the world on my own. Then, I had a thought. What if I started an “Internet Big Sis” thing where I give older sister advice and stuff to my girlies online??

I asked and you answered enthusiastically. So here it is.

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“How do I build self-worth that doesn’t depend on attention?”

UGH this is such a good question. As girl’s, everything about us has to be about someone else! Someone else being men! From the way you dress, to who you’re attracted to, to your labor, to your body and face. Nothing is allowed to be just for you. So it becomes so easy to attach even more of yourself to others’ perception of you. Things like self-worth.

But what is “self-worth”?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary self worth is defined as “a sense of one’s own value as a human being”.

“The internal, unconditional belief that you are valuable, capable, and deserving of love and respect, independent of external achievements, success, or others’ opinions.”

Unfortunately for us girls, our worth is constantly defined by how we can be of service to others. To our parents and siblings and boyfriends and husbands and bosses etc. So we end up believing our worth is in the hands of others.

The first step to building a solid relationship with yourself is to know yourself. Which seems like it’s easy but when you’ve defined yourself in terms of how you can provide for others your whole life it can be very difficult to figure out who you are when no one needs you to fix them a plate of food.

When you’re alone, in your bed, on the bus, on your way home, in the shower, in your room, but most importantly, in your head, who are you? What are your morals? What are your dreams? Your likes? Your dislikes? Your regrets? Your goals?

What are these things to you? Who do you want to be?

Only when you know who you are as a person, an individual, free of any role of servitude, can you begin to love her.

The second step is to stop yourself in your tracks when you catch yourself thinking about someone else’s perception of you. Ask yourself “why”.

“Why do I care what this person thinks?”

“Do they have a right to have an opinion on what I’m doing?”

“Would I take advice from this person as quickly as I’m taking their hypothetical criticism?”

You only get so many years of life, 80, 70, maybe a bit less, maybe a bit more. But you only get to live fully for the middle section. Let’s say 14 – 65. In old age you can’t do much physically. In your youth, not much past the physical act of living through new experiences is going on. And between all your inescapable responsibilities, like work, and school, you can’t allow anything else to stop you from living exactly as you want. Of course some of us are lucky, and we love what we’re studying and we love our jobs. But that may not be true for everyone.

Treat every moment like it’s existential and a gift. When you want to wear that shirt, or play that song, or go to that party, or ask out that girl, or boy, or person, but stop because you might be embarrassed, what will you think of that moment when you’re on your deathbed? It sounds dark, but I’d argue it’s just layered. Would you rather feel heartbroken, or silly, for a while, or deep regret for not experiencing as much as you could when you could?

Basically, you have to “the lioness doesn’t concern herself with….” through life.

The third step to a stronger sense of self worth is being okay with being embarrassed.

I’m not going to tell you that won’t happen. Being rejected will make you feel embarrassed, messing up in public will make you feel embarrassed, saying the wrong thing will make you feel embarrassed. But that’s okay. The goal is to live happily and fully before you die. Not be as nonchalant as possible.

At the end of the day…..…it’s night.

No, I’m kidding.

At the end of the day, no one is paying as much attention to you as you are to yourself. Can you remember a classmate’s embarrassing moment from 4th grade? Or a time someone was awkward? Or a time someone tripped? Or a time someone’s voice cracked? Maybe one or two. But are those really the only times someone’s ever made a bit of a fool of themselves in front of you?

Of course not. But you don’t remember all those other times because in the grand scheme of things, none of that matters.

Now, that last bit seems a little dependent on other perceptions of you, when this girl-chat is supposed to be about not caring what others think of you. You’re right. Which brings me to my next point.

Embarrassment is a concept of mind. You can choose not to feel embarrassed about certain things. I know, I know. You can’t just choose how you feel. (Not everyone’s like me ha ha!!)

( Me rn. I’m joking )

But I do mean it when I say you can choose to not feel embarrassed. It will just take lots of time and even more trial and error. Being embarrassed is the feeling when you think you’ve done something to warrant critique or judgment from others, making you feel a “state of self-conscious distress”. But we’ve been working on not caring what others think. You’re only embarrassing yourself if you think you’ve embarrassed yourself. And you have to truly believe that it doesn’t matter, it’s not embarrassing. Because sometimes, you will be around negative people. Who will try and make you feel embarrassed. But your sense of self needs to be strong enough to let what they’re saying roll right off your back.

And that kind of thing takes time. And trial and error. It’s not easy. I never said it would be easy to change the way you think. Which brings me to my final point.

You have to be kind to yourself. You have to give yourself grace when you make a mistake, when you fall back in old patterns, when you do care about what those kids are laughing at, or what that girl just whispered to her friend, or when you can’t quite muster the courage to wear that experimental outfit, know that it’s okay.

It’s okay to try and fail, and take a long time to recuperate and try again. It’s okay to struggle and not have all the answers and find yourself walking in circles. As long as you’re putting in the effort.

STAY SAFE OUT THERE
I LUV UUUUUUUUU

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️